Caroline Lovett, a psychosexual and relationship therapist, talks through concerns about dating while navigating a long term health condition and treatment.

The world of dating: it's scary for most people. When you're thinking about dating with a complex medical condition, it can feel even scarier. 

When we start dating, we start off in a place where we don't really allow ourselves to be too vulnerable. We're protecting ourselves; we don't really know the other person. We might be quite excited about the whole idea of meeting someone new and what that might mean, but we haven’t built up the trust to allow ourselves to feel a bit vulnerable. That's pretty routine for the beginning of a relationship. 

As we get to know somebody more, we get to understand what their reactions might be to different revelations. It's almost this dance in a relationship; a backwards and forwards of sharing and seeing how we respond to each other. 

When it comes to revealing your condition, I would recommend that you start slowly and go at a pace that suits you. Remember that you are so much more than your medical condition. Think about who you are as a person, and all the things that interest you. Remember who you are beyond your condition.  

First dates

A first date can be a nerve-wracking thing. You need to get yourself in the right mindset to make sure you have a good time. A good starting point is to think about what’s important for you and what you want to get out of the date. Try not to think about the other person too much. Think about your stops and starts; what actually is really important for you when it comes to dating. What are your values, and what are the things that are the absolute no goes? 

Be gentle with yourself and determine what you want to share about yourself on that first date. You don't really know this other person, so you probably don't want to tell them too much. 

Remember, it's not all about you, either; it’s just as much about finding out about them. Are they the sort of person that you actually want to have a second date with? Do you feel you could share more information with them? 

If it feels like it's not going anywhere, that's also okay. Sometimes it takes a lot of different dates before we find the person we want to move onto a second date with. We also date for different reasons; if you want to be in a relationship, your priorities might be different than if you’re dating purely for sex.

Building trust when dating

If it feels like this first date might turn into a second date or third date, when should you start telling them a bit more about you? Trust yourself that you will give as much information as you feel comfortable. It's probably not a good idea to unload all your medical history in one go. It might just be too much for the other person to hear. You've lived with this, but for somebody hearing it for the first time, it might feel like a lot. 

Start by sharing a little bit and see what their reaction is. You want somebody who's going to be supportive. When we're sharing something, we want to know the other person is going to be able to support us. 

Sometimes relationships work, and sometimes they don’t. It has to work for you both, and that’s fine. Remember that you can go slow, trust your feelings, and above all, have fun!

More articles and videos from Caroline

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Further support and advice

• COSRT - College of Sex and Relationship Therapists. Psychosexual Therapists are listed here.
• mojoupgrade.com/ - For over 18's. Aimed at couples who are wanting to connect more sexually
• Omgyes.com - Based on research into women's sexual pleasure. Explores sexual techniques.
• Ergoerotics.com - A website selling products that can support sex (over 18's)
• Sex Etc - sex education for teens
• Amaze.org - Sex education for young people. Including Amaze Jr - aimed at younger children - to watch together with parents/carers.