Caroline Lovett, a psychosexual and relationship therapist, talks through the importance of parental self care and maintaining your intimate relationship alongside caring for a child with a bone marrow failure condition. 

When you have a child in your family who has a chronic condition, it can put a real strain on your relationship with each other as individuals and limit the time you can spend together as a couple. It's really important to set aside time for you and it's really important to give yourself permission to find time to prioritise your relationship with your partner. 

Making time for you

Let’s imagine that we have a pie chart that breaks down the amount of time that we spend on different things. Looking after a child with a complex condition probably takes up quite a big proportion of that pie chart. 

So let’s think about the sliver of time that's for you and your partner. You need this time to help you recalibrate and reboot. Remember the things that you enjoy, remember the things that define you as individuals and as a couple. This will help you to stay strong for your child, for yourself and for each other.

It might also be important to give each other space. Whether that's taking the dog out for a walk, going for a run, reading a book or catching up with a friend. That individual space is also really important.

Perhaps one place to start is finding a small window of time and allocating this for yourself, or for you as a couple.

Space for intimacy

Space for you as a couple might include some space for intimacy. The connection that we experience around intimacy produces a whole load of fantastic feel good hormones. Spending time together does not necessarily have to involve sex. It might be sharing a bath or having a cuddle. A 20-second hug can release a whole load of oxytocin, our feel-good hormone. 

Don't forget who you are and what you love about each other. Maybe be a bit silly with each other. Maybe try to flirt from time to time. Remember that the fun in your relationship is important. Give yourself permission to have some fun. It will help you be strong for your child and give you the strength you need to cope with all of this long term. 

Keeping a positive outlook for the future

When we're going through a difficult time and our child is unwell, it can sometimes feel all consuming, and it can be really difficult to think about the future. When things are difficult, we can feel stuck in that place. 

It’s really important to remind yourself that this time will pass. Find support from other families who have experienced the same health condition, but may now be at a different point in that journey. It can really help to see what the future could look like and have a positive mindset to get you through difficult times.

Being able to keep half an eye on the future, and feel some excitement about how things might be moving forward, can help to keep you and your relationship healthy. Maybe spend some time thinking of things you’ll do in future, both as a family when treatment is over, and as a couple when things are a little easier. Find even a small amount of time to focus on nurturing you and your relationship to sow seeds for your future self.

This can also be important for your child, and sometimes we forget that. Children are learning from us all the time. They learn about relationships from us. If they get a sense that relationships are supportive, fun, happy and healthy, they will take that forward. Planning for a happier future will rub off on them as well.

More articles and videos from Caroline

More advice for parents

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Further advice and support

• COSRT - College of Sex and Relationship Therapists. Psychosexual Therapists are listed here.
• mojoupgrade.com/ - For over 18s. Aimed at couples who are wanting to connect more sexually